12 December

So yesterday I finished my tattoo. It looks awesome but this time was quite sore. Tatoos are not for the faint hearted, but if you have given birth naturally then you will cope!

I am feeling completely exhausted. I feel like I am doing Christmas alone this year- well I am since Andre is not coming to Jhb. But my kids are just not into coming shopping and helping choose gifts for their cousins, its been quite disappointing actually and lonely, but maybe it has something to do with the mood swings I have been having lately. Seriously people I think I am stressed because the slightest thing sets me off. Truth is I am sick of being at the heart of my family's critisicm. It does not matter what I do I am always wrong. I am working so fricken hard to provide financially but it is never enough....I am working on losing weight and the other day Andre says you will never get back the body you once had...lovely encouragement.

I think this idea of island living is becoming appealing to me maybe I will just have to make it a metaphorical island and pretend each day that I am living there already and make that my happy place.

I have told my kids they no longer have to do their chores I am so sick of nagging and making it seem like I am a slave driver. So I told them I am no longer giving pocket money and so they no longer have to do their mininal chores. I have such great kids but lately they seem so self absorbed. Now my family would say that about me but no one helps to make the garden pretty they place where they have to enjoy summer. The wind does not help my mood either, and neither does the arthritic pain. I think when your body constantly aches sometimes it sets off hectic emotions in a person. I understand that scripture now where Paul says "I do the things I dont want to do and I don't do things I want to do - something like that, its like this constant war withinside oneself.