26 September

So I spent last week in hospital, came out on Thursday. It was a good week and although we have no concrete answers things are definitely clearer.
I need to see a Pulmonologist going to make an appointment tomorrow with Peter Chapman,( black spot on my left lung and report says hyperinflated lungs??? then also going to see a rheumatologist on friday a dr Borat. My rheumatoid factor is 147 whatever that means.
All I know is that my pain is definitely better managed, I am on some strong drugs but at least they are working and with pain better managed I am definitely coping much better.

Never google random medical facts it will scare you I will choose to wait for the Doctors report and well depending on what they say i think I might choose to believe the Lord's report. All I know is that my gos will not give me anything that I cannot handle. and whatever the report He will give me the grace to walk with dignity and peace.

Still no feeling in my 3 left toes, still battling with the breathelessness and tingling in my arm and legs. Still coughing but sleeping is better I go now for longer than 4 hours which has been very healing. Am looking forward to finishing up at wakame and focusing on Kuzina and building my Paralegal business, going back to study at Unisa next year....kenako the time is now here to finish my llb once and for all!!!!

3 days to my birthday .... so excited those who know me will know that i love birthdays!!!!

19 September 2010

Gosh only ten days to my birthday... yesterday was an amazingly beautiful day in Cape Town. I got my second tattoo looks really cool. I then spent the rest of the day sort of nesting if I was pregnant one would have thought I was gonna give birth, the old wives tale that one has the urge to clean. I was in sort out my house mode. I went a bit obsessive compulsive and attacked dust as if it is the enemy... well actually it is especially for my asthmatic son and hubby. I was horrified at how badly my help cleans and decided that I will only employ her once a week now and just do the rest myself. I was brought up that when you clean well you move things you dont just sweep around and make it look clean. Interestingly Jesse has slept well last night and I am sure it has someting to do with the fact that he does not have a thick layer of dust under his bed and a bookshelf caked with the stuff!!!! I just had this feeling that I need to get everything in perfect order... not quite perfect yet but well hey...

Today I intend to go to both 9 and 11 services different lady friends preaching and wanna hear both...also am working on info desk at both services... so kind of makes sense. Then I plan to finish up Wakame month end and wages for Voila and Wakame and well then the laast few days a Wakame can be peaceful and I can just enjoy the staff that I am going to miss so much....

At some point in the day I also feel the need to get my son's both Jesse and Jasons scrapbooks more up to date am a couple of years behind...andf then well reading my new book would be a nice treat.

Gosh went and saw Mao's last dance ...What an incredible movie if you are a ballet lover this is one not to be missed, I cried my eyes out it also gives an incredible insight into the Chinese pheasants and the aweful controlling way people live under communism. Definitely going to buy me the book, it must also be seen on the big screen, Barishnikov was incredible but this man wow words cant descibe it and whats so awesome is its a true story and he lives in Australia with his wife and three kids...never had the urge to want to visit Australia... well thats changed I would love to meet this incredible man.

Lately I have been overwhelmed, I ahve walked with my God for over 20 years but I feel like I am just getting to know Him now...
There is this song on the latest Hillsong albulm "Beautiful Exchange" it goes like this

Give me eyes to see
More of who You are
May what I behold
Still my anxious heart

Take what I have known
And break it all apart
You my God are greater still

No sky contains
No doubt restrains
All You are
The greatness of our God

I spend my life to know
And I'm far from home
To all You are
The greatness of our God

Give me grace to see
Beyond this moment here
To believe that there

Is nothing left to fear
That You alone are high above it all
You my God are greater still

And there is nothing
That can ever separate us
There is nothing that can ever

Separate if from Your love
No life no death of this I am convinced
You my God are greater still

Credits :
songwriters: garrard, stuart david; ingram, jason; morgan, reuben
© shout publishing

15 September

So saw Dr Tucker what an interesting man, and very funny too. Man he made me do some crazy things, bottom line I have a dysfunctional left side, he is very pleased i resigned from Wkame and proceeded to ask me so which of the other jobs I am going to leave so io can actually rest and heal, I burst out laughing and asked if he is going to make up the shortfall in salary? Any way not n=much to tell till Monday as I have a follow up appointment with a sh%t load more tests to do ..... Lord have mercy. Any how moving on....

n my way to the car which took me like 20 minutes to get to because I am really slow at walking this elderly gentleman asked if I was okay and if I needed his help I siad I am fine just feeling tired as I had to perform these really exhausting tests at the doc, well he offered to carry my laptop to my car as he was waiting for his wife, I was quite taken a back by his chivilary and good manners, what a gentleman. He is 86 any hows we got chatting, yes I know what you are thinking so stop right there.....because you are wrong.

You see normally I would just say I am fine thanks and move on swiftly rush to my car and fly home. But I really did need help my laptop was heavy to carry and I was feeling exhausted so I was walking really slow like a 90 year old and well his offer to help was so genuine that I let him help me. Turns out he is a retired minister and he an his wife started Valley Christian church when he retired from the bank 20 yrs ago up in JHB
Man I couldnt believe how God orchestrates our lives - there in the car park he and his wife prayed for me and told me to continue to walk in faith for my complete healing.

SO pretty amazing hey!!!!

15 September

Today feels strange... yesterday I resigned from Wakame. It feels like a weight has been lifted off of my back. Seeing Dr Tucker today for a second opinion, Lord let this be the end of the road for me. It is difficult feeling so aweful all the time and wandering what is going on. I need some answers now, I need to start the healing process or at least know what I am up against. Knowledge is power.

SO now I can really focus on building my legal business sometimes I think we are scared to move out into the unknown. I am under no illusions I have left my comfort zone. I loved Wakame I love the people their Matt &Shez and I we are a great team. We worked well together. I love the sushi chefs and the barman work was a great place to go to everyday and I think when reality sets in I am going to have to work through alot of emotions. I have so much respect for Deon and Greg and they were awesome people to work with. but KENAKO .....it is time.

12 September

So am thinking maybe the fact that I am breatheless is just a normal thing. I am still coughing up a storm but then so are many people in Cape town battling with their chests. The weight loss well I still have a ways to go so I will just embrace for the moment that I have no appetite and can loose weight really easily. The pain manageable with voltaren( love that drug) with a mixture of amarula and a sleeping tablet well the last two nights I have gotten over 5 hours, its cool I have felt better in the morning well until it wears off. But hey then I am at work and am so busy that I dont even have time to fart let alone focus on the pain. And then I heard this song and I thought well... may be this is the explaination

You leave me breathless
Oh the beauty of your presence
Oh the beauty of your face
You leave me breathless
You leave me speechless
You leave me falling to my knees
To hear You say you love me more Lord,
You leave me breatheless
You are so beautiful Lord
You are so beautiful Lord
To me


I would love to just close my eyes and be in His presence to fall asleep and be forever in the arms of my Saviour free from pain and sadness, Free from shame and guilt. Free to love endlessly, but I am awakened by the reponsiblities I have to my husband and children, especially my children, Ash wrting Matric tomoroow is her 40 day count down... its surreal - Jesse has a talent show this week - he is one amazing kid. Jason things finally seem to be coming together.

Listening to that song "I wanna be a billionaire" weird song...but it would be nice... but it just reminds me I must sort out my life cover tomorrow enough procrastinating...I must just do it along with the other billion things I have to remember... fetch bubba fron Fie( yah !!!! ) drop off Jesse application for Allan gray bursary, drop off Ash UCt app, finish homework for beyond abuse.... finish Kuzina August creditors... finish Wakame month end July and August.. finish stuff Bonnie needs so urgently ....Good thing my day starts at 8 with physio....and somewhere in there I should try fit in gym as well as finalise the summons for the Sheriff to deliver on Wednesday....Gosh no wonder I have to believe in the saying "Sleep when you are dead" this schedule may well kill me .... lol

10th September

ooh only 19 days to my Bday. We ahve just arrived in PE YAh no washing or housework for two days.

Ok so good news no TB clear Check with Dr Orrey !!! But still ots of back pain and nausea, but I am coping quite well i think, still not much of an appetite except fro sweets which give me energy due to my lack of sleep.

I think the fresh scenary and all my special friends I am going to see will be good medicine for my soul. Andre just wone GK elite this morning on KFM we stopped on the side of the road so he could do it. He is so lucky seriously he always wins things!

PE is rainy but nice good weather for shopping malls and movies and lots of chats over tea.

almost 8 September

Well I think God is amazing but then those reading this already know that. But really He knows what we are thinking and what we need even before we ask Him.
He is so interested in the little details of our lives. He cares that we were hurt as a four year old little girl and that we have secrectly carried that hurt with us for almost 40 years. He cares when we are anxious about our health even though He knows we know that he is ultimately the one who is jehovah Raffa our Healer.

Today I was called by Dr Orreys rooms to say they can see me tomorrow they had a cancellation and I dont need to wait until the 4th of October. I breathed a sigh of silent relief. I had such an aweful day today my pain has been beyond the point of bearable, I was so tired and sore today that I honestly wished my jesus would come and carry me home on the wings of his angels. All day I have found comfort in the Sarah maclogholin song Angel,  have longed to just close my eye s and be transported to heaven.

Beyond Abuse was amazing listening to other woman's stories and realizing that my story is powerful and very significant.

My life and my story matters - I matter I have a voice and I must speak out I will not be silent any more.

God you are amazing and I can no longer be silent I will shout it from the roof tops JESUS IS LORD i WILL WORSHIP YOU. .... BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY HELP ME lORD THAT MY LIFE AND MY LIFESTYLE WOULD BE ONE THAT REFLECTS YOUR LIGHT LOVE AND LIFE TO A BRUISED AND HELPLESS WORLD.

6 September 2010

Ok so I tried to make the Tai Chi Class at 6am ... even though I was up at 4 , I only made it to the gym by 6.30am. There were lunches to be made, laundry to be sorted and well you know if your char is coming you have to clean so she can clean...sounds crazy I know.

I mananged 16 minutes on the treadmill today 2 of thse were running whoop whoop!!!.

Off to the physio at 8 then to deliver some summons to my one clients debtors, oh yes and on the way I must drop my sputum off at Diep River Clinic( sounds gross hey) but what an amazing experience last week when I went to the clinic. So efficient and free!!! My little stay at Claremont life  which was horrendous cost close to 8 thousand thast excluded the neurologist physcian and MRI!!!! Then off to Wakame and later this afrvy a meeting at Kuzina.

Anyhow so they cant get the pump that is supposed to help me breathe better, yip not available in the country, Needless to say although she is probably going to beat me to a pulp my body is aching and I am quite looking forward to the physio, I dont think I would get through the morning if i didnt see her.

IF it is not TB then the clinic will refer me to a state pulmonologist - free again ( my Medical Aid savings were used up with one blood test (R1789) and still waiting for that Private guy to phone me. He was the one who wanted to put me on tranquilizers and sleeping tablets sad really that his consult cost me R1500 and then he went overseas - oh his back but still no phone call!!I am thinking of not paying him- waht do you think>?

I went to cancel my follow up which was supposed to be today explained to his receptionist that I had been hospitalised and wandered when he was going to phone me with my very expensive  results!!! Asshole

Anyhow if its not TB then well they are also sending me to an ongologist.....horrors - never thought I would use that word in my lifetime. Maybe there was a reason I watched My sisters keeper 6 times when I took a days leave.


Well lets move on then .....Dont you love September definitely the best month ....and my birthday in just 23 days...and this morning I found out we are going to PE for the Weekend...how cool is my husband he was trying to surprize me again but he went to bed before the children again!!! and his phoned beeped with a message fron Thubi my besti in PE man I am beyond excited.

Let me dash off now need to make myself smell good and look beautiful for the day ahead, Hope you have a manic Monday no make that a Money making monday but just make sure its not BLUE

The last two months have been battling with my health. Such a lonely place to be when you cant share how you feel with your partner because they "dont do illness"